Are the members of ApologetiX on steroids?
With the heightened media attention on steroids in the world of sports today and allegations swirling around superstars from Rafael Palmiero to Lance Armstrong, it was only a matter of time till the question arose, "Is ApologetiX on steroids?"
Apparently the controversy started with lead singer J. Jackson, whom some have said resembles famous pro wrestler "Ric Flair without the steroids." As Jackson pointed out today at a news conference with all five band members, "Some people took that as meaning I would look like Ric Flair if I hadn't taken steroids -- implying that I had -- but they meant I look like Ric Flair would if he hadn't taken steroids."
Further confusing things, Jackson said he was diagnosed with Graves Disease in the fall of 2002 and had to have his thyroid disabled. Because of this, he takes a pill called Synthroid every day, once a day. "Synthroid, steroid," he said, letting the words roll off his tongue. "I think you can see how confusion could occur in some peoples minds."
But what about the whispers concerning bass player Keith Haynie -- from wither do they come? "Video games," said Haynie. "I collect old video games. I told some kid I liked 'Asteroids,' and he misheard me and thought I said 'steroids.' Next thing you know people say I'm advocating that kids should take steroids. I never said that. But I do think kids should play Asteroids. It's a cool game."
Drummer Bill "Moose" Rieger claimed he was implicated via a similar miscommunication. "I'm a huge Star Wars fan," he confessed. "I'll admit to that much. I jokingly told a fan after a concert that some of my best friends were androids, and he thought I said some of my best friends were on 'andro' and 'steroids.'" (Editor's note: "Andro" is the short form of the word "androstenedione," the muscle-building supplement made famous by baseball slugger Mark McGwire.)
Although not a full-time member of the band, even keyboardist Bill Hubuaer has not gone unscathed. "Yeah, I got sucked into the same vortex of half truths," he said. "As a musician and a producer (for the progressive Christian rock band Ten Point Ten), I really love the sound of a good stereo recording, especially when it comes to progressive rock music like Yes, Genesis and Pink Floyd. I was telling the other guys in the band that 'stereo Floyd' was awesome, and some passerby thought I said 'steroids' were awesome. But in reality, it was all a ghastly mistake."
Lead guitarist and producer Karl Messner, the last member implicated in the scandal, says he was the victim of a reporter who lacked "good listening skills." He want on to explain, "He came to me and asked about the other four guys, and I said, 'Look, I've known these guys for a long time. These are their natural physiques. Stop this crazy witch hunt! I'm going to get paranoid.' The reporter wrote that I said, 'I'm going to get steroids.' I did not say that."
Despite the denials of all five band members, questions still remain. If not steroids, then what about human growth hormone? After all, how many other Christian parody bands have five members who are all at least six feet tall? Stay tuned to apologetix.com for further developments.